


What are you afraid of? (Everything I've ever known)

by Littledanceingdragons



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Attempted Murder, Childhood Trauma, Cigarettes, Drug Addiction, F/F, Forced Prostitution, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prostitution, Psychological Trauma, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Robbery, Running Away, Scars, Self-Harm, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:15:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28849683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littledanceingdragons/pseuds/Littledanceingdragons
Summary: Natsu Dragneel is a special person to Gray. He remembers being back there, sitting with his cigarette. He remembers Natsu asking him something that would haunt him for the rest of his life." What are you afraid of? "Gray holds the crying boy close. It's odd to share Natsu's story with Erza and Lucy. The words are clumsy and fall out of Gray's mouth as if he's talking about a night out. Natsu hiccups and he pauses, grabbing the water bottle and making him drink before he ever continues.
Relationships: Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster/Lucy Heartfilia/Erza Scarlet
Kudos: 12





	What are you afraid of? (Everything I've ever known)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so uh I finally sat down and wrote something and figures it's fucking angst. So read the tags. I'm putting warnings here as well because none of this is fucking not triggering. 
> 
> Warning ⚠️:   
> There is abuse, rape, drug use, horrid coping mechanisms, self harm, graphic descriptions of mental illness & scars, poverty (I guess? Doesn't really focus on the struggle but the environment is clearly not good), implied poly relationship, Sharing trauma & actual flashbacks to rape, physical violence, Getting into a fight with & robbing a dude but he 100% fucking deserves it (read to find out), slight graphic descriptions of injuries, bruises and cuts. (I think that's all but above all else be careful reading this. It is not a fun time.) 
> 
> [A VENT FIC. DO NOT COMMENT DUMB SHIT ON THIS. I AM A DEPRESSED TRAUMATIZED TIRED PERSON I DO NOT CARE IF YOU THINK IT'S STUPID. PLEASE IF YOU ARE FEELING LIKE THIS OR ARE IN A SITUATION THAT IS TOXIC REACH OUT AND GET HELP.] 
> 
> Let me know if you think I should add a tag to this.

" Hey Gray? " 

He stubs out his cigarette on his arm. The millions of circles burned into his skin matching it. " Yeah? " His voice is rough while he flicks the cigarette away. Watching the dying thing roll into the shade. 

" What are you afraid of? " Natsu's voice is calm. _The calm before the storm._ Gray thinks bitterly, already wanting to stamp out another cigarette into his skin. Maybe even let the smoke make itself home in his lungs while the cigarette sits on his lips. Yeah that doesn't sound so bad. He grabs another one. 

" Everything. " He answers, lighting his tool. Gray can feel Natsu watching him for the uptenth time stamping it out on his arm. He watches his mangled flesh scream. " Bullshit. " Natsu growls and when Gray shifts his eyes away from his chard skin and to burning green eyes-the color of home. He laughs, dragging it to his lips and inhaling the horrid color that comes off of it. 

" I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of voices so loud the walls shake and everything smashes into the ground. "

_Gray watches as he picks up the bottle. He doesn't care when his world goes black or when he stops screaming._

He takes a drag. 

" I'm scared of touches. " 

_Hands grab him and throw him down the stairs. Gray's gasping-trying to breathe. He hates it when he's fucked thoroughly right in that same spot with his ribs aching. Gray wants to murder him._

His eyes glaze, willing the truth out of himself. Maybe Natsu tries to say something and maybe he doesn't. It doesn't matter to Gray. 

" I'm scared of- " He slams the cigarette down into his skin. " I'm scared he's going to find me and I'll be right where I was again. " 

_Stupid! You really thought that would work?! So useless._

_Gray's legs remained spread wide and hooked over his shoulders. He wants to scream. Gray wants him dead. Gray doesn't want to be fucked anymore._

He grabs the bottle of pills in his pocket. He takes a handful without even looking. There's still a weight on his shoulders. Natsu's still watching him. " I'm terrified. " Gray looks at the scars and the disgusting body he lives in. " That's okay. " Natsu whispers, he doesn't move closer to Gray. 

He half smiles at him. Gray can't hold the smile for long. Natsu says something else that Gray doesn't catch because his hands are already shaking. " I want to run. " The admission is true. The words are what's been carved into Gray's very being. He never wants to stay. 

Natsu grabs his hand this time. His warm dark skin is tangled with Gray's. " Then let's run. "

_______________

He thinks about it. Looking at the stars while his legs dangle off the side of the building. 

_It would be so easy…_

He thinks looking down at how far the ground is. He would surely die but that's the point. 

Then he thinks about Natsu Dragneel. Gray gets off of the roof. 

_______________

His head is aching. Gray's busted lip and black eye with scrapes everywhere else are impossible to hide. Even if he wanted to. Natsu finds him again. His scarred skin was still covered in bandages. " He did this. " Natsu's words aren't a question. Gray looks up, maybe he looks like utter shit but that doesn't stop the tears in his eyes building. Huh he forgot he can cry. 

" Fuck him. " Natsu hisses. 

Gray doesn't bother with stopping Natsu when he storms off. He knows where he's going. Gray wants to murder him. Natsu returns with one cut along his cheek. He stares at his whole unbeaten body. But that means-Natsu won. " You said you wanted to run. "

Gray throws the cigarette aside standing and grabbing Natsu's warm rough bruised hand. He doesn't have anything at that house he cares about. He's in Natsu's beat up pickup truck when he notices all sorts of shit stolen from that house. 

" You robbed him. " It's not a question. 

Slowly a feral beautiful smile appears on Natsu's face. " So? " 

Gray _grins._

_______________

They don't know where they are going. They drive from town to town without a care. Gray gets them shitty motel rooms that don't cost anything. Natsu always frowns when that happens. Gray doesn't care. He can help out. 

There's a town that's filled with loud cheers and smoke. Gray hasn't left Natsu's side for weeks. He still puts out cigarettes on his arms. Gray still let's the smoke tangle into his lungs until it burns. There's a hand on his ass Gray doesn't have to move before Natsu's breaking the owner's wrist for it. 

Hours pass and all Gray can taste is Natsu. He's run out of cigarettes at this point. Restless. A blond girl with dead brown eyes offers Gray a new cigarette. Natsu doesn't tense at the sight of her. He's still perched in Natsu's lap, comfortable with this. 

His skin feels like it's going to _break._

Gray grabs the offered cigarette. 

_______________

Her name is Lucy. She lets Gray and Natsu fall asleep on her couch. She's kind to them, soft voice and no harsh demands. Natsu's ink on his arms is added to. He doesn't speak when he walks into the home with a redhead girl missing an eye. Lucy frowns and gets her an eye patch that looks like it's from a costume. 

He traces Natsu's mangled hands. 

_Okay?_

Natsu's body relaxes, finding comfort in Gray. 

_Okay._

_______________

Natsu's heart is aching when Gray starts screaming in his sleep. It's been a long time since Gray has done that. 

_No! No I hate you!_

_I'm scared of everything._

He holds him close, hugging him so tightly it's almost painful. He brushes Gray's sweat filled dirty hair from his face. I love you. Natsu doesn't open his eyes when Erza and Lucy race down stairs in concern. He still doesn't when Gray wakes up sobbing into his shoulder. 

There's claw marks down his back Erza bandages but Natsu can't care when Gray's hand is in his. 

_______________

He expected rage and disgust. Gray's used to that. Natsu doesn't react to anything like that. He never does. Natsu doesn't even speak. Gray's eyes are on the floor, shame in every inch of him. _I'm sorry_. 

_I couldn't stop it. I'm sorry._

Natsu wraps him up in warm arms and kisses him. 

_Stop saying that. It wasn't your fault. I love you._

Gray closes his eyes and tries to believe him. 

He can't. 

_______________

She's relapsing again. Erza's hands shake and she reaches for the medication she needs. Gray takes it away, locking all of it and every sharp object in a mostly put together cabinet above the microwave. 

Lucy doesn't let Erza go anywhere by herself. She screams and rages about it. Erza can't bring herself to care when she doesn't change the bandage on her eye. Natsu does it for her with warm gentle hands that make her feel sane for a moment. 

It's an agreement in the house. When Erza doesn't feel well everything harmful has to be gone. She loves them for it. 

She returns to her own skin and feels more complete than before. 

_______________

Natsu had called Gray at 4am. He had just got done being fucked brutally but Gray had come over anyways. His limp was blamed on a bum knee Gray didn't have. He finds Natsu at that stupid bright store at the corner. He's staring at hair dye with an intensity only Natsu can have.

His black hair was always matching his brothers. Natsu didn't want it anymore. He was tired of being reminded. 

Gray picked the pink one. Bright and happy like Natsu is when the memories aren't floating around in his mind. When his fists aren't bruised to hell and back because a group of idiots thought he was a good target. When Natsu feels safe enough to drop that mask he wears around. 

The pink looks good in the end. Gray kisses him right there in that broken bathroom. Natsu kisses him back. 

_______________

Natsu sobs into Gray's shoulder. His shaking hands run through pink pretty hair. Back home everyone knew who Natsu Dragneel was. The poor kid who survived his maniac batshit brother who murdered both their parents and named his brother E.N.D. Gray hadn't cared about interacting with him. Everyone else was filled with whispers and ugly stares. 

But not Natsu. He was determined to be good and he was. Natsu Dragneel is a special person to Gray. He remembers being back there, sitting with his cigarette. He remembers Natsu asking him something that would haunt him for the rest of his life. 

_" What are you afraid of? "_

Gray holds the crying boy close. It's odd to share Natsu's story with Erza and Lucy. The words are clumsy and fall out of Gray's mouth as if he's talking about a night out. Natsu hiccups and he pauses, grabbing the water bottle and making him drink before he ever continues. 

_______________

He takes his medicine. The handful goes down easily. It's hard to swallow around the pills but Gray knows he has to. His face is slowly healing from it all. Natsu still wears his bandages and never takes them off around others. Gray understands. Lucy takes one look at Natsu who's leaving upstairs to go and shower and there's understanding there. 

He knows why. 

It's because Lucy wears long sleeves even in summer. It's because Lucy flinches and hates anything loud. At times Gray thinks that's why she talks so softly. His hands are stopped by Erza from stabbing the knife through his hand. Then he hears Erza quietly, asking if Gray knows what unwanted hands feel like. If he knows how it feels to be pinned down and hurt. He sees the fear in Erza's eyes. He understands why she avoids men. He understands why she was so tense and terrified around Gray and Natsu. 

He doesn't know what possessed her to go with Natsu that night or maybe it was what possessed Gray to spread his legs when he didn't want to. Gray nods eyes dead to anyone who doesn't know him. To Erza he knows his own pain and fear is written plainly in every inch of him. He's always been filled with sloppy words and fear. She sobs against him, her own story falling from her gasping mouth. 

Gray holds her before he takes a deep breath and shares his own. 

_______________

Erza comes home with no panties and in tears. The door slams behind her and she's screaming. All of them stand there looking at a broken, betrayed and hurt Erza and a decision is made. 

They move. Natsu's beat up truck fitting all of them. His paint is peeling but none of them care. Sitting there in that truck, leaving behind the loud horrible town with bright smoke, as never felt more like home.

**Author's Note:**

> [A VENT FIC. DO NOT COMMENT DUMB SHIT ON THIS. I AM A DEPRESSED TRAUMATIZED TIRED PERSON I DO NOT CARE IF YOU THINK IT'S STUPID. PLEASE IF YOU ARE FEELING LIKE THIS OR ARE IN A SITUATION THAT IS TOXIC REACH OUT AND GET HELP.] 
> 
> Thank you for reading. I hope you are all having a wonderful day & taking care of yourselves.


End file.
